I have been thinking about writing this post for over two years, but have always shied away from it. By necessity, this post will be candid. Being a pastor's wife (PW) myself, I do not want to come across as directing points at anyone in particular, nor do I want to give the impression that being a pastor's wife is a burden. My husband and I are blessed by a church that has always made us feel loved, appreciated, and has held us in high regard. Thus, many of the points below do not apply to me in the first place.
But - the majority of my readers do not go to our church,
therefore I am not their pastor's wife. These readers may be interested
in and benefit from the "behind-the-scenes" points I and other PW's have
gleaned without feeling like I am grinding some sort of personal ax.
Some time ago, I asked in a Facebook group for independent Baptist pastor's wives for ideas on 'how to be a blessing to your pastor's wife'. I was surprised how this topic was immediately picked up and eagerly commented on. It was obvious it had struck a chord with many of my fellow PWs.
In I Timothy 5, verse 2 the Bible advises us to treat "elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity." Without trying to be offensive or belittling, the closest thing I can compare pastoring to is that of raising a family. Some of the family members are more mature, and others are "babes in Christ". The pastor is the shepherd of this flock. In accordance with I Timothy 3, he is not even qualified to hold this position unless he is married to a godly Christian and has children that are in subjection. Ready or not, people look to the wife of the pastor for guidance and an example.
Yet, even as the Bible outlines specific requirements for deacons' wives (a deacon would be our modern-day assistant pastor) and for Christian women in general, it never lists any specific requirements or roles for the pastors' wives. I am sure they still apply - grave, not slanderers, sober, faithful in all things - but I have to wonder if God did not make specific mention of them because He knew people would have high and sometimes unattainable expectations of their pastor's wife even without them being outlined in the Bible.
A pastor's wife, is, first and foremost a
wife. Her first duty besides God is the same as that of all other wives - her husband, then the children, her household, and only after that outside obligations, which any work for church would fall under.
I am thankful that my husband does not expect me to do any work for church - zero - and never has. And while it is true that I do work for church every week, and did so even more in the past when my family was smaller and we did not have any staff to help, my contributions are voluntary. I am giving of my time and efforts just like other people in the church are, of their own free will as an offering unto the Lord, because we believe that doing so will benefit others, not because we 'have to.'
If you have a church that you love, and a pastor that preaches the truth and upholds the Bible whether it's popular or not, rest assured that they are fighting battles you will never see nor hear about. You can be an asset and a blessing, or a burden to your pastor, depending on your actions. One very effective way to be a blessing to him is by being a blessing to his wife and children. You can fill the cups of those who fill his cup, as it were, so that they in turn can pour out unto him and he back to the congregation by way of preaching, teaching, and his work in the church.
On that note, here are
15 ways to be a blessing to your pastor's wife:
1. Pray for her and her family
One
of the best ways to be a blessing to your pastor and his family is to
pray for them, even if it is only a short prayer for protection and
blessing. As a family, they face many trials that they will never talk
about outside the home, but rest assured that pretty much at any given
moment, they are facing a battle on some front. Just knowing that other are always praying for them is a huge comfort.
2. Respect her husband
Don't make jokes or complain about her husband to her. If you loved the sermon, let her know. Don't criticize him or her kids to her or to others. If you have a legitimate concern, go to them first and give them a chance to give their side on an issue. If someone
says hurtful things about their husbands or kids, it hurts PWs just like anyone else. Do not try to drive a wedge between her and her husband. In the same vein, do not put her in an awkward position by complaining about your
husband/wife or kids to her, or airing your dirty laundry for shock value.
3. Send her notes of encouragement
You could let her know if you think she is doing a great job or otherwise encourage her.
Text
her every now and then just to tell her your praying for her. Don't
expect a reply, but rest assured your message will put a smile on her
face and brighten her day.
4. Don't expect her to be your BFF
As much as you may enjoy feeling like you are your PW's best friend, imagine how you would feel if you knew you weren't, and that someone else was. Even among a moderately-sized congregation, the PW would not have time to cultivate deep, exclusive friendships with some people without compromising her care and concern for others. For the benefit of all involved, you should not expect your PW to give you or anyone else "best friend" status. If you love spending time with her, the best way to be able to be around her is to offer to help her
with the work around the church or her home, whether that's cleaning, decorating, or just showing up for a ladies’ event.
5. Realize she goes through different seasons in life
Like all of us, the wife of the pastor might go through seasons that are more challenging than others, especially if she is in her childbearing years. This could be due to sickness, pregnancy, financial stress, certain trials in the ministry, her children's ever-changing needs, marital strains, or a host of other reasons. She may be less available to help and counsel during these times than during others when she can give more freely of her time. Please do not take personal offense if your PW seems to be taking less of an interest during this time, or compare what she does for you to what she did for someone else at another time.
6. Realize her time is limited
Even in a perfect world, when everything is going smoothly, your PW like all of us only has a certain amount of time each day. Respect her time. She's a mom and wife first and foremost. Don't
expect that she can or wants to meet every need that you have. If
everyone in the church called her every time they had a problem, she
wouldn't be able to minister to her own family. Be
respectful of their family time. They give so much time to the church -
allow them to have their own family day (unless there is a major emergency). Most pastors try to take it easy on Mondays, as they are extra busy with church work on weekends and understandably exhausted.
7. Participate in activities she plans
If you can't or don't want to go, don't announce it loudly in an attempt to discourage others. If you have RSVP'ed for an activity, unless you have a truly compelling emergency, please be sure to show up, especially if it is one that costs money for each attendee like a field trip or tea party.
8. Do not stab her in the back
Go to her when you have a problem with her (or better yet, just get over it) - in either case don't just stand in the back and talk about her.
Be her bulldog and stand up for her when others criticize her. Refuse to participate in trash-talking her or any of the other church members. Do not engage in drama. Always be the biggest cheerleader for the church, pastor and family. Lift them up rather than tear them down. Be friendly but respectful. Teach your children to call her Mrs. _______.
9. Find out her love language and show her love that way.
Remember her birthday and her children's birthdays, their wedding anniversary, and the church anniversary. Tell her if you think she is doing a good job. Thank her for things she does. Your PW might be one that likes to get hugs now and then, or she may really enjoy going out for a cup of coffee with you. On the other hand, she might be much too introverted for either of those ideas. You could find out what her favorite restaurants, grocery stores, or shops are and give gift cards. You could find out what her hobbies are and get her something she enjoys, like books, supplies, etc.This may seem carnal, but it might be the only time your PW can enjoy those things.
10. Volunteer to help
Be zealous about volunteering when help is needed. Be the first to raise your hand. One huge area there are never enough volunteers for is cleaning.
If you see something in the church that needs done, maybe ask if you can do it. Help
with all the small stuff without being asked - empty a trash can, wipe down a sink, replenish the coffee station. Share your ideas and be ready to work on projects together.
11. Make a meal for the family on a busy week
Remember they are church members too. Death, sickness, and surgeries come to the pastor's home too. Understand
that they are human and go through the same struggles as everyone else does. Even just unexpectely getting pizza delivered is a huge blessing!
12. Respect their family finances
Don't go to
the pastor for a loan. He cannot legally give church money that came in the
offering plate to private people to help them out in a pinch with their rent money, bills, etc. If your pastor does give you money, realize it is coming out of his wallet just as if you asked anyone else. Please think twice about asking for money from your pastor who may be supporting more people on his income than most others in the church are. Do not try to police how and on what the pastor's family spends their money. Different people have different priorities. They might buy used clothes all year round but splurge for new holiday clothes. They may prefer to spend their money on trips rather than toys. They may want to drive an old clunker to save money, or a new vehicle to save headaches. Bottom line, it's not anyone's business but their own how the pastor spends his paycheck.
13. Be respectful of her and her family's personal space
Don't move into a house so close to theirs that they see you every day and their kids share the park with your kids
now. The pastor and his wife might want to take a walk around the neighborhood in the evening without being watched or overhead talking to each other. They need their own space and already feel like they live in a glass house with everyone watching every move they make. Don't
move within sight of them. And please don't follow the PW into the
bathroom at church to talk to her - she already gets that from her kids
at home ;)
14. Be kind to her children
Love them and treat
her children as you do the other children in the church. Don't give
them special treatment because they are the pastors kids, but don't make
things harder for them because they are the pastors kids. Don't expect her children to not act like children. Don't expect her kids to be your kids' best friends.
15. Remember that she is human
Your PW does not have it in for you. She loves you and prays for you. She serves your pastor so he can better serve you. Be quick to forgive as she is not faultless. Do not have unrealistic expectations of her.
Don't compare her to any other pastor's wives. Let her be human and have fun too. Ministry can be one of the loneliest places to be. Sometimes ladies are
afraid to invite the PW to different activities that aren't church
related. We do enjoy being with others
and having adult conversations about things other than the Bible,
children, and other people's problems! It's nice to be treated as a "normal" lady at times. Talk to her like you would talk to other ladies at church.
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And now for a real-life application, I am excited to share with you all that I am putting together
gift baskets / care packages for the following pastor's wives:
Mrs. Berzins,
Mrs. Jimenez,
Mrs. Perry, and
Mrs. Romero.
My goal is to be an encouragement and a blessing to them. You may have
guessed that being married to the men on the front lines of the
spiritual/cultural war is not always stress-free and fun. We know our
labor is not in vain in the Lord, but having tangible reminders that we
are not alone in this is both encouraging as well as pl
ain helpful.
If there is anything you would like to contribute to put into these baskets, please mail them to me at:
Faithful Word Baptist Church
c/o Mrs. Anderson
2741 W Southern Ave. Suite 14
Tempe, AZ 85282
You could include anything from a heartfelt note to a gift. These baskets will be presented to the pastor's wives in person. The ladies will be traveling home by plane so please bear that in mind (no liquids over 3.4 oz, nothing overly heavy or bulky, etc.). The 'deadline' to send cards or gifts to the address above is the first week of August.
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Your turn - how do you like to be a blessing to your pastor's wife? What is the best way others have encouraged and built you up?